YOU CAN’T CHOOSE WHO YOU ARE GOING TO BE
A ruling by the supreme court into the definition of ‘woman’ is having untold fears on a small minority in the UK.
Most of us are born, grow up through primary school into the challenging time of teenage years and beyond, more often than not, marry and have a family and so into senior years otherwise known as old age. But for a tiny minority it’s not like that. Far from it. Just imagine as a little boy you feel there is something not quite right, life doesn’t just drop into place, something doesn’t fit.
You can’t put it into words and your parents notice. For Tanya it’s not easy looking back at those days. “My mother told me recently that she and dad thought I might just turn out to be gay, they didn’t think I would turn out to be a woman!” After hitting rock bottom, several failed attempts to take her life and struggling with alcohol and drugs, Tanya sought the help of a doctor who referred her to the gender clinic in Belfast. He explained that she was transgender and that the clinic was there for support and she credits him and the clinic for saving her life and enabling her to become her true self.
I get the impression of just how difficult it was.
Help And Understanding
“There was one woman there who helped me with my gender identity and at last, in my mid twenties, I was diagnosed transgender.”
It happened to Tanya and it could happen to a child in your family, you don’t get to choose.
Tanya left Northern Ireland to live in London and started a new life as the woman she was and subsequently had gender affirming surgery and moved into her new existence. Tall, attractive and self assured.
It’s hard for someone like me to fully understand the pain that was Tanya’s for years but talking to her now that she is in her 50s I know she is happy, working for a charity, owning her first house, delighting in gardening and living a peaceful life with plenty of friends but no desire for a partner. But all this has taken an unexpected turn in the last number of days and caused concern within the trans community, when the supreme court ruled that ‘woman’ means confirmed biological female at the time of birth, it was a body blow. Gender is different, it refers to socially constructed roles, preferring to be female, acting out life as a woman although often having people look at you suspiciously – a he or a she?
And that’s the problem, there is little tolerance when it comes to understanding a minority. For instance, according to Tanya the health service in Northern Ireland does not provide for the trans community anymore, she finds there’s little support for adult transgender people. She needs various medications like HRT but has to get her prescriptions in England where she lived for years, only there can she get a blood test to check her testosterone level. Nor is there any facility for delicate surgical services as she discovered, that too requires a London hospital. Although the new decision from the law lords does not apply to Northern Ireland there’s a feeling that it won’t be long. When it comes here it will put awful pressure not only on this community but also organisations up an down the country. From hospitals to night clubs, restaurants to schools, structural changes will have to be made as trans women may no longer be allowed into female changing rooms or rest rooms, the other side of the coin means there is a similar dilemma for trans men.
Statistics
“There has never been a case of a sexual assault carried out by a trans person in a single sex environment like a public bathroom. We are just normal boring people who want to wee in safety and privacy like any other person.”
There was one story last year where a woman who was a body builder and had alopecia was attacked by other women in a public toilet because they said she looked like a man. She was ‘cisgender’ meaning she was declared female at birth and in the eyes of the law, a woman. Intolerance and ignorance.
Less than one percent of the population is trans and most get on with their lives and leave others to lead theirs the way they wish, however all that can change with the new law, there will be demarcation lines drawn and the consequences are concerning as Tanya knows only too well.
“I was sorry to see campaigners laughing and cheering outside the court,” she said. “You know, I reckon life’s too short. I want to live in peace as the woman without fear of hatred and discrimination”. That remains to be seen.
It’s a wonderful thing when a childhood friendship grows with time and It’s always nice to call in with a group of girls having a reunion after many years as I did last night, even though the call was on Facebook. The laughter, the innuendo, memories, the nonstop chat, the years between fade away as memories give way to today’s business. There are no secrets and, at the end of the evening happinesses and sadnesses shared.
Friends are so important. I have been blessed by many and varied and each one has brought me something special. Sadly at my age I loose some I consider sisters as I never had one of my own. Harriet was one who died a couple of years ago, I knew like me she had cancer but I was devastated when she phoned me from Dublin to say goodbye, her time she said was close.
I am still alive and well, sadly she didn’t survive this pesky disease. I miss her dreadfully and I find I strange how on occasions I will suddenly be overwhelmed by grief and retire to cry in private. But that’s the beauty of friendship, that grief only reflects the love you have for another. In my day friendship were formed in social or work places; today young people are so often glued to phones or meeting in noisy pubs, dancing these days consist of jigging up and down at a rave, no more jiving the night away and then the joy of a slow dance with a good-looking boy! Of course there are tea dances being held in Northern Ireland so all is not lost and I bet there are some romantic afternoons!
Lyra’s sister Nichola McKee Corner with Seamus Dooley, NUJ Assistant General Secretary. Photo Kevin Cooper, NUJ press photographer,
Yesterday a number of journalists gathered in the excellent Reporters bar off Donegall Street to put up a photo of Lyra McKee a much loved colleagues. There was great craic and new friends were discovered and small talk developed into deep discussion. The bar is dedicated to writers of all sorts and their photos adorn the walls and now Lyra has joined them, that’s how we make and remember our friends.